Condiments Don and Eater re-up once more on a sultry Thursday lunchtime all ready to review the hell out of the menu at the Duke of Abercrombie pub on Old Broad Street, however upon our arrival and perusal of the menu with this week's special cameo reviewer, Blogboynumber3, we sack it off and head elsewhere. Why? Because, like most other pubs in this area, their lunch menus are massively overpriced and cater almost exclusively for crushingly mundane work team outings for office workers who don't really talk to their colleagues. So rather than mimic said lunches and sit there in near-silence picking through a £12 plate of tepid pub food we decide to do what any rational person would do - head to KFC.
I'm finding this a bit of a voyage into the unknown, not because I'm some sort of fast food snob who think's that the place's clientèle is made up of walking Broken Britain Daily Mail headline fodder, but because I don't think I've been to KFC sober before. What do they even sell? Chicken, but in what denominations? I'm feeling on edge. After a while scanning the menu I order a Spicy Zinger meal (I think) with a Pepsi and, after some discussion with my patient till operative, a side of coleslaw. It arrives in a cardboard tray that would hold a flatscreen tv, which seems unnecessary. What did you go for, Eater?
Eater: I thought your thing was that new burger they have that has two breast fillets in it.
You're right in saying that stuff about rip off pubs but KFC is rip off too so not really sure if it's the rational opposite.
I can't remember what I had now. Think it was a Zinger meal and two extra pieces of chicken. As always with KFC I was dissapointed with the chips, the bread on the burger was stale and the beans I got took ages to cool down. Also I think the pieces of chicken have got smaller as time has progressed.
CD: Yeah the thing that most struck me about our trip to KFC was that I wa still really hungry afterwards - the chicken seemed noticably small, and it was a pretty dry affair too. I didn't even touch my 'slaw; who wants slaw from KFC? Not me, that's who. The chips tasted like pulped newspaper as well. Really not feeling it from KFC, I guess it's true that I need to be drunk to the point of virtually not being able to read to 'enjoy' their food. Most certainly not a strong par, as Tempa T or Westwood might say. We didn't even have a beer afterwards. Burger King beats it hands down.
Where shall we go this week then? I quite fancy that Kruger place you mentioned.
Eater: I probably would have eaten at least a mouthful of the coleslaw if I
knew it was just being chucked. What drink did you get? I got Pepsi
Max. I always get that from KFC. It's probably the least offensive
diet drink. Think you have to pay 30p extra if you want orange juice
with a meal which is really rubbish.
Kruger is a good idea.
I want to go to an oyster place one time too. I'll add it to the list.
Blogboynumber3: KFC wasn't great (I think it was a poor KFC as KFCs go even) but as you say it was a lesser evil than any of those pubs selling wetherspoons food for 4 times the wetherspoons price.
I think KFC is interesting. Back in the day, Kentucky Fried Chicken was amazing, and Kensey's Fried Chicken (best passing off attempt I ever saw) and all the other imitations were much worse. Now I think KFC is average for flavour compared to your average chicken shop, and is bottom of the pile in terms of value for money.
I bet Yum Brands have thought this all through and decided the market for hard-core chicken people who care about whether Miami Fried Chicken tastes better, and want to pay only 99p for 4 chicken wings, is not one they wish to pander to. They are focussed on the Burger King crowd of people who are too rich to worry about how rip off stuff is, and will pay 4 times the price for something more socially acceptable without ever considering what anything tastes like. Basically the same people who go to those pubs.
Also, that is scandalous if true about charging more for orange juice.
CD: KFC has always been a bit under the radar of fast-food unhealthiness abuse. People obviously just think if you eat KFC you deserve to have a fat-man heart attack, and you are expecting one. So why would you want to see nutritional information, or eat any fruit/veg? If you wanted to pretend you wanted healthy fast food you would go to McDonalds.
Eater: Just Googled but can't find anything on that 30p extra for orange
juice thing. I am sure it is the case but maybe they just do it in
the KFCs that are franchises. I know that they sometimes charge 10p
for sauces in McD franchises and sometimes they only put one piece of
cheese in quarterpounders when you are supposed to have two. Wonder
how they stop franchisees damaging the brand like that.
KFC don't automatically put salt on their chips which is relatively healthy.
CD: I think the mandatory non-salting of chips is more than offset by the eye-wateringly (literally, figuratively) high salt content of the chicken parts. I sharde a bargain bucket with someone a few months ago and my kidneys ached for days afterwards. The diminished expectations of KFC is sort of heartening, I bet that one we went to do does crazy business what with it being situated outside of a busy station AND being next to a large police station. The food just seemed shrunken, you'd have to spend some serious paper in there to actually get something vaguely impressive / be full afterwards.
Maybe we should find out the names of all the KFC name brand chicken rip off places in London and review them. I seem to recall some grime star (might have been Chipmunk) doing a chicken shop review session, it was predictably boring.
Eater: There is a Zenith FC down my road which I am scared to go in now. The
man in there is a compulsive liar. I think a lot of chicken shop men
are weird and will just try to chat up any female customer. I have
been in there a few times on my own and he has asked me loads of
questions and told me a load of far fetched things about his life,
once when I went in he told me he had a dog identical to my one which
was tied up outside the shop and then when I went in there with a male
(my brother) he made out he he didn't recognise me and sort of stared
into the middle distance, not making eye contact with either of us as
we placed our order and got our food.
There is also a KFC down my road and the man in there asked where I
was from, I told him and then he gave me a free three piece meal for
my trouble.
Shall we publish this boring crap now?
CD: Creepy. Maybe that's the only opportunity chicken establishment owners have to meet laydeez. I can't imagine their success rate being too high.
Right, let's blog this thing and try to make people read it.
Eater: chicken man chirpsing
Do you want to go to lunch at 12?
Blogboynumber3: May I add: I'm not sure kidneys can ache.
I have often thought internal organs were hurting (e.g. liver after alcohol) but tried to 'reassure' myself with the idea that internal organs don't have nerves in them, or if they do, the nerves might detect swelling but probably not general deterioration, so I was probably just suffering from some mental health hallucination.
I have nervously researched this at such low points, but obviously Google just told me I had cancer.
